About nine years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I couldn't believe it. It was very hard to accept - especially to those around me who had only seen my "happy face." I didn't realize until that time that I'd been pretending for so long.
What made me finally go to the doctor? Well, it goes a little like this...
Bill and I a year before our wedding. I couldn't find a wedding
pic on the computer - we got hard copies of our pics - no
photo CD's back then.
It was October 12th, 2002. My wedding day. I woke up to a sun shiny day with a crispness in the air. It was going to be perfect. The day went on like wedding days do - hair, make-up, bridesmaids, pictures, a sudden burst of snow!? It was a great day until about 4:45 pm. 15 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle. I got sweaty and shaky. I told my Dad that I was going to vomit (he just laughed - I'm a bit dramatic sometimes). The truth was I felt like I was going to die! I managed to get down the aisle and passed from my Dad to Bill when I knew right then and there that I wasn't going to do this today! Bill and I walked to the Pastor and while the Pastor welcomed everyone I made it known to Bill that I was going to vomit and I didn't want to do this anymore. Yes, the Pastor heard that part. He was wonderful and just kept on going. Bill was shocked of course. I then corrected myself and said, I just don't want to do this in front of all of these people. We then scouted out the front of the church for something for me to vomit into - all the while the Pastor is continuing. I got calmed down to the point that I knew I wasn't going to vomit but I couldn't hold my bouquet because I had no muscle control in my hands. Bill held it for me. When it was time for us to turn to each other to say our vows I had a feeling of comfort come over me. I looked at Bill and knew he was there for me. He didn't get scared when I told him that I was going to vomit in front of our family or friends or when I told him I wasn't going to get married that day. He knew I just needed him. The rest of the service was fantastic, funny and romantic. The reception was a blast but, that's a different post for a different time.
Little did I know, I had just suffered from an anxiety attack. That was just the first straw. A few months into our marriage I had a breakdown. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so sad and didn't know why, I had no energy. I was confused. I still to this day cannot believe Bill didn't run for the hills!! He is the most wonderful man. That's when he convinced me to make an appointment. The appointment where I was diagnosed.
This is just one tiny speck in my journey over the last nine years. I hope to share more with you over time. I find it therapeutic to get this out. I know some of you may be dealing with the same thing. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's nothing wrong with you! In future posts I would like to share my thoughts on drugs, therapists, understanding this disease, and healing.
See you tomorrow!
Laura
