Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Anxiety

About nine years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I couldn't believe it. It was very hard to accept - especially to those around me who had only seen my "happy face." I didn't realize until that time that I'd been pretending for so long.

What made me finally go to the doctor? Well, it goes a little like this...

Bill and I a year before our wedding. I couldn't find a wedding
pic on the computer - we got hard copies of our pics - no
photo CD's back then.

It was October 12th, 2002. My wedding day. I woke up to a sun shiny day with a crispness in the air. It was going to be perfect. The day went on like wedding days do - hair, make-up, bridesmaids, pictures, a sudden burst of snow!? It was a great day until about 4:45 pm. 15 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle. I got sweaty and shaky. I told my Dad that I was going to vomit (he just laughed - I'm a bit dramatic sometimes). The truth was I felt like I was going to die! I managed to get down the aisle and passed from my Dad to Bill when I knew right then and there that I wasn't going to do this today! Bill and I walked to the Pastor and while the Pastor welcomed everyone I made it known to Bill that I was going to vomit and I didn't want to do this anymore. Yes, the Pastor heard that part. He was wonderful and just kept on going. Bill was shocked of course. I then corrected myself and said, I just don't want to do this in front of all of these people. We then scouted out the front of the church for something for me to vomit into - all the while the Pastor is continuing. I got calmed down to the point that I knew I wasn't going to vomit but I couldn't hold my bouquet because I had no muscle control in my hands. Bill held it for me. When it was time for us to turn to each other to say our vows I had a feeling of comfort come over me. I looked at Bill and knew he was there for me. He didn't get scared when I told him that I was going to vomit in front of our family or friends or when I told him I wasn't going to get married that day. He knew I just needed him. The rest of the service was fantastic, funny and romantic. The reception was a blast but, that's a different post for a different time.

Little did I know, I had just suffered from an anxiety attack. That was just the first straw. A few months into our marriage I had a breakdown. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so sad and didn't know why, I had no energy. I was confused. I still to this day cannot believe Bill didn't run for the hills!! He is the most wonderful man. That's when he convinced me to make an appointment. The appointment where I was diagnosed.

This is just one tiny speck in my journey over the last nine years. I hope to share more with you over time. I find it therapeutic to get this out. I know some of you may be dealing with the same thing. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's nothing wrong with you! In future posts I would like to share my thoughts on drugs, therapists, understanding this disease, and healing.

See you tomorrow!
Laura
Erin said...

Wow Laura, thank you for sharing that with us. I don't have anxiety, but my best friend does, and she struggled all throughout high school before she was diagnosed and got some help.

Lesley @ my lively mind said...

good post! i have it too, so i know how debilitating it can be. hopefully you have it under control, girl!

Katie said...

laura thank you for sharing this! I'm sure it is hard to put yourself out there but there are so many people that can relate. I look forward to reading more of your story!

Sarah said...

Thank you for posting this. I dont think people realize how many people struggle with this because they are able to put their happy face on and act like nothing is wrong. I have suffered with Anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember but up until this past September, when I had a terrible car accident and somehow managed to walk away from what people thought for sure killed me, I was able to control it. After the wreck the depression hit and I honestly didnt want to do anything. I went to the doctor in January and started medication and I honestly didnt know I could be this happy. It's like the fog is gone and I can finally see myself. Im so glad that I know someone else also struggled like I did.

Stacy said...

Reading this post seriously gave me a flashback. Speaking as someone who was sitting in the congregation, none of us had any idea all of this was going on right in front of us.

Blushing Cheeks said...

Im in the same boat as you. I have had anxiety since childhood and unfortunately depression more recently. Its a struggle and can be debilitating. I think I was meant to find this post, because I actually clicked on it from miscellany Monday to check out everyone's random posts and it brought me right to this post instead. So glad I found it. Thanks for sharing, I know its hard putting that out there.

Brook said...

I'm so glad you had someone so wonderful to stand with you and help you find your way to that appointment. Thank you for sharing your personal experience and story.

Alyssa said...

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I have been there. Especially with the vomiting thing. I think my greatest fear in life is to throw up in public. And because of that, my anxiety is always super high. I have been off my meds for awhile now and am trying to get my health under control more naturally but it is hella hard some days. Thanks for posting this.

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